u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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