Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
