I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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