Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Ketchup is God's man juice
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
