She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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