I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I think I just sharted jello shots
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