I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
My cat gives me a boner
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
