see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
