Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
