I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
