I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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