plz talk dirty to me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
