you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
