Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
