why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
