Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
