Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
