i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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