You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
