I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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