i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I didn't notice because vodka
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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