my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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