but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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