I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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