Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
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Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
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Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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