I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
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This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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