either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
