East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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