apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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