My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby