Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.