I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
