The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
