I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
