I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
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He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize