just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish I only lived at night.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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