: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
