he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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