I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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