So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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