Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
PANTIES FOUND
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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