True but thats because hes a fetus.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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