you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
