Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
