Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
