It was confusing and full of hummus
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
