Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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