You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
