he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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