I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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