Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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