just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
