Welp...herpes.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
