I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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