I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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