I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Randomize
